January 2008, August 2008...

Those month mark the two year anniversary of my mom's and Robin's death..With all the death i have expierenced these two always hit me the hardest..

Yesterday, I thought of Robin often everytime my eyes would well up with tears. The sadness over taking my heart... I know you are in a better place. I know you are no longer suffering. It doesn't make me miss you any less.

You will always be a hero to me.

Hi everyone...

I am posting this morning because i have a need for a new primary care physician or at least a second opinion...

I went to the Dr yesterday. He is now saying i have mild hypertension. He gave me a mild diuretic to take. I asked him about my thyroid meds and he said they are perfect according to the number.. but he didn't really listen to me... I can tell you that my meds aren't correct.

I was very upset by the fact that he didn't listen to me. So, I think i would like to find a Dr who will listen to me and talk with my about solutions and options.

Can any of you recommend someone?

Thank you...

I look into the abyss and I see no light... I only see darkness...

I am sure my hormones have everything to do with this mood... I try ever so hard not to complain... Not to worry people with my problems... I try so hard to be strong... yet I feel so alone... so weak...I just want to give up... I just want to cry...

I love my family... so very much... but I have to say taking care of my father and my grandmother is sooooooo much work... I know that I won’t regret it late in life... but right now it's a heavy weight to carry... It such an emotional thing they are so lonely. Going to see my father is always hard because he wants to bitch about the rest of my family. Or he needs money for groceries or what nots. Going to see my grandmother always makes me so sad... she is so alone... She doesn’t remember well. She doesn’t think well... Sometime we find out by the birds. Sometimes we find her in her apartment sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the TV. She is not really a talker so conversation is always forced and hard to keep going.

My health is better but not well. All I want is results from all this hard work. I workout 4-5 day a week. I am eating 12-1500 calories a day... yet i do not lose weight. Of course I know why but that doesn’t change the fact that my clothes don’t fit. That doesn’t change the fact that the weight is causing my body harm. I will just keep plugging away hopefully at some point something will give... Or my meds will finally be right... Just a little progress. I am not talking about losing large amounts of weight... even 2-lbs at this point would be an improvement.

I am very sad that I don't get to see my Friends as much anymore. I know people have their own lives and their own set of problems. I just wish we could get together more... Hang out, talk those kinds of things. I feel so distant from everyone... I just don't like it.

Then of course is last but certainly not least employment. As it is every year this time I have to reapply for my job. If that isn’t scary enough john might lost his job toooo... We should both know by June if we are going to have a job but for now we sit on pins and needles trying not to worry.

Undave AKA Spiritbine....

SCATTEGORIES...it's harder than it looks! Copy and paste into a new
blog. *Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the
following...they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up!
Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same

1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.
You're up!!

What's your name? Neiva

4 letter word: Nice

City: New england

Boy Name: Neil

Girl Name: nancy

Occupation: Nail Tech

Something you wear: nike

Celebrity: Nick Nolte

Food: nuts

Reason for Being Late: nylons

Something You Shout: NEVER!!!!

Finally.... After 4 months of rigorously working out ( 5 days a week)
and cutting my calorie intake to 1500 calories we know why i have been
gaining weight instead of losing weight as i should be.. I gaines 25lbs in less than 4 months.

I have hypothyroidism - which means i don't produce enough chemical to
regulate my metabolism. it causes the following

Fatigue
Depression
Modest weight gain
Cold intolerance
Excessive sleepiness
Dry, coarse hair
Constipation
Dry skin
Muscle cramps
Increased cholesterol levels
Decreased concentration
Vague aches and pains
Swelling of the legs

I am so excited that i am not crazy.... Hopefully now all this hard work will pay off once the meds kick in..

I would also like to wish everyone a happy birthday who has a birthday in January

WE LOVE AND WILL MISS YOU

Thanks you for all you white light and well wishes.. Missy is home
safe and sound.

Her surgery started a little late so we didnt get out of the surgery
center until 8:00pm.. Which is several hours after we were suppose to
leave. I didn't get home until 12:30. I haven't been home any night this week before 11-12 and then i have to shower, eat and go to bed.

The Dr said the surgery went perfectly and the tumors were bening
therefore she had the reconstruction done at the same time. I talked to the Dr again today and he said her incisions are healing nicely.

So,I took her home, put her to bed, medicated and fed her. she is
very sore but from what i can see everything is going to look great
later...

Thank you all so much :)

She is having surgery today on her breast to remove some growing tumors. She will also be having reconstructive surgery as well. I pick her up this afternoon..

*Crossesfingers*

To my late husband.. I am sure he is watching.. it would have been 14 years memorial day weekend.

I am glad John is ok with me talking about this because of course it's still a part of my life and effects me sometimes.

My youngest sister needs to borrow money.

I am sorta stuck on what to do.

a. she is pregnate and a high risk due to her weight and health.
b. My mother is gone so she looks to me as a mother figure.


Ugh on the one hand i would like to tell her no.. But, On the other I would like to take some of the stress off of her. *sigh* Decisions Decisions..

A close friend of my family Commited Suicide on Easter. Told her family she was going to take some meds and went in the bedroom and shot herself.

Definatly not a good combo. Today before 6:00 we find out of john is going to get laid off from his job at the Tampa Trib. They are laying off 10 people from the news room. He says he isn't worried. I am glad he isn't. I feel so bad. I know me and what is left of my family are a good part of why we are still here. I know there are many other reasons too. I know he loves our house. I know he loves our friends but, I also know in his line of work moving is how you progress. This is the longest he has been in one place in 16 years.

I feel along in a sea of people. I know I have many Friends I can talk to. Sometimes Like today I just don't feel like I do. I wish i could make it stop. I wish I could change it but, I don't know how to change it. When I worked at the club all the time I will be upset because I would never get to hang out or do anything fun with friends. Now, LOL.. I feel like I have run everyone off. I hope you all know that I love you.

I have too much stuff. I will be getting rid of a lot of stuff in the coming weeks. I just don't need that much stuff. I know why I have it all I was trying to fill a void with stuff. I am learning it doesnt fill the void only the garage.

I am sad for my dad who is almost alone now too. He has a brother left. That's it.

I am going to school in the fall. That's scary and good.

Thanks for listening..I hope everyone has a great day.

Sunday night my Aunt passed away. Her twin passed away about a month or so ago from a heart attack.

We were not close. She allowed her husband to do some awful things to my sister and I.

Even though we were not close and knowing that she was in hospice doesnt make the death toll in my life any easier to take.

It's just crazy. My Father said to me last night while i was talking to him that he is next in line. It upset me to hear that even though I know he is in his 70's.

Boooooooooooooo

I learned my Tummy doesn't like when I am bad. I had a calzone and my stomach rebelled quickly. I then thought it would be wise to have a Micky D's cheese burger. Oh man did my stomach give me a what for. The low fat low carb diet is good. I have found many great recipies. It's not nearly as low carb as it should be however I am still losing weight. It's just slow.

The And one, VNV show was kick ass.

It was nice to have company this weekend. I forget how much I like having company. I have also decided that I would like to put a small TV in the spare room.

Good morning.. THank you so much for all the well wishes.

Fasting made me lose 8 lbs..LOL...

Yesterday was the colonoscopy. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it was going to be.

I have a clean pooper. i am sure you all wanted to know that I don't have to go again for another 5 years.

It's the first time I have had a seditive and wow that was funky. It wasn't as bad as i expected. I thought initially i was going to be put under...Once i realized it was just controled sleep it was ok. I came too within 5 minutes and all was well. I was loopy the rest of the day but nothing like if i had been under anastesia ( Sp).

I am having a colonoscopy done tomorrow morning at 6:15 am.. Wish me luck.... Hopefully they find nothing.